The Wheelchair

 Monday, October 10, 2022.  I never, never, never in a million years thought I would be a person in a wheelchair.  But when this disease sapped all of my energy, I didn’t have any choice if I still wanted to get out in the world.  And I can’t even roll myself around; I need Jeff to push me.  Most of the time, I can manage with just my walker.  Again, never thought I’d need a walker.  I used a cane for a while (another thing I never thought I’d need), but things kept getting worse.  My favorite thing to do is to take a walk outdoors and enjoy the fresh air, trees, sunshine, little birds and animals… just all of nature.  When I couldn’t get through a walk without collapsing when I got home, I started using a cane.  Then came the walker/rollator.  I was so self-conscious when I first started using it.  I didn’t want anyone to see me.  Now it’s just normal to me.  But the wheelchair isn’t.  I only use it when I’m really bad and need a dose of nature.  Even then, I feel embarrassed for some reason.  Isn’t that silly?  Part of it is that I’m physically able to walk, and I feel like if someone sees me get up from the chair and walk in the house, I’ll look like an imposter.  Again, really stupid way to feel, but there it is. The wheelchair sits just inside my front door and every time I look at it, it makes me cringe.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, I was feeling so awful.  Along with the pain in my chest from the bronchoscopy, I was enduring all-over body aches from the ME/CFS which I know were a result of the whole hospital experience.  It was a beautiful day.  Sunshine, cool temperatures, and I wanted so badly to take a walk, but there was no way.  Suddenly, that wheelchair was my friend.  I was actually excited to use it, and what a blessing it was to be able to be outside on that glorious day.  And what a blessing to have my hero of a husband who is always willing to push me wherever I want to go.  God knows what we need more than we do, and I absolutely found Him in that wheelchair yesterday.