Aging

Friday, October 21, 2022.  They say aging isn’t for sissies, and boy, is that ever true.  When I was young, I thought I’d handle aging well once it was time to be old.  The problem is in your mind, you don’t feel any different.  Yes, you gain experience and wisdom, but you still feel like yourself; like the person you were decades ago.  So in your mind, it’s never “time to be old”.  Then one day, you notice some sagging, or some wrinkles, or grey hair, and at first, you think, “Okay, I can handle this”, because you think that’s all there is to it.  But it doesn’t stop, it keeps going until you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself.  I’ve come to realize that aging is learning to recognize yourself in that slowly declining physical state over and over.  You have to see past what’s in the mirror to what’s inside of you.  Here is where faith comes into play.  God sees us on the inside.  He’s seen us since before we were born into this world.  None of what the world sees on the outside matters to Him, it’s just the trappings we get caught up in during our brief stint here.  I’m not saying you should just totally let yourself go.  I think we should take care of the bodies God has given us to the best of our ability.  But that doesn’t mean being ageless.  I mean can you imagine being eighty and still looking like you did at twenty?  It’s silly but somehow still a struggle.  It’s definitely a test of faith to find yourself in a face you don’t recognize, but maybe that’s what we need as we age.  It truly is a privilege to get old when so many don’t.  Maybe the point is to strengthen our faith and accept what a blessing it is, wrinkles and all.

The Unknown

Thursday, October 20, 2022.  Fear is often based in the unknown.  I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately.  When the nodules in my lung were first found, I was afraid of cancer.  Now that I know for sure it’s not cancer, I’m afraid of just how bad this infection is.  The doctor said it could take several weeks for the cultures they took in the bronchoscopy to produce results.  So until then, there’s no way to know exactly how to treat it.  I’ve read that sometimes you need to take antibiotics for as long as a year, and that they can cause serious side effects.  More fear.  Maybe my infection isn’t that bad; there’s no way to know till I get those results.  So unknown = fear.  But there is One who knows exactly what’s going on with me, and He tells me to trust Him.  It’s really hard, and it’s takes almost constant re-centering; constant prayer (Pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:17) But when I do that, I see that He has always been there for me; He has always gotten me through.  So no matter what type of infection this is or how difficult it may be to deal with, He’ll get me through it.  I’ll pray until He calms my fear.  Prayer = peace.  My future is unknown to me, but there is no “unknown” to God.  And since I know God, that’s good enough for me.  

Forgiveness

Wednesday, October 19, 2022.  Forgiveness is probably one of the most difficult things we humans struggle with.  As hard as it can be, I can forgive most things done to me, but do something to my children?  That’s a whole other story.  Even though they’re both grown adults, I still find it hard to forgive anyone who has hurt them at any point in their lives.  From their childhood through today, I can see with glaring intensity the times they were hurt and it still feels like a punch to the gut.  I want to go back and start ripping limbs; not very Christian, I know, and therein lies the struggle.  Jesus tells us to forgive.  And now I wonder if He does that more for us than for the person we’re forgiving.  He knows that anger can eat you up inside, and He loves us so much that He doesn’t want that for us.  He wants us to live peaceful, happy lives, and how can you do that if you’re holding onto negative feelings?  But He also knows we’re human, so when we go to that dark place in our hearts, He provides a light; a way back.  That’s what I reach for when I’m struggling to forgive, and ultimately, that light fills me till there’s no more room for the darkness.  I find peace again.  The more time goes on, the less a particular incident rears its ugly head, but whenever it does, He promises to be there for us over and over again.  No matter how much we need, He’s there to give it.  He forgives us because He loves us. He shines His light on the path out of the darkness, we just need to follow it.  

Greek School

Tuesday, October 18, 2022. When I was in elementary school, my parents made me attend Greek School for a few years.  I hated it.  It’s bad enough to have to go to school every day, but to go to more school afterwards?  What were they thinking?!  I didn’t know anyone, I never made any friends, and the teacher seemed very stern to me.  But guess what?  I learned the Greek alphabet and how to read and write the language, and I can still read it to this day.  It helped me so much in “regular” school though I didn’t realize it at the time.  All of that is well and good, but my very favorite memory of Greek School had nothing to do with learning Greek.  We lived close to the elementary school so I always walked home.  One day it was raining, and I was walking home with my super cool, see-through bubble umbrella.  (They went out of fashion for a while, and I have no idea why.  They were the best!) I was getting close to home when I saw my mom coming to pick me up in the car.  I guess I was running late.  I remember I was cold so it was great to get into the warm car, but even better than that was the food Mom had brought me to eat on the drive.  My mother was the best cook in the world.  She was born in the South but learned Greek cooking when she met my dad, and everyone said she cooked Greek food better than native Greeks.  One of our favorite things that she made was stuffed tomatoes, and on that cold rainy day, Mom had brought me still warm stuffed tomatoes wrapped in foil.  To this day, I think it’s the best thing I ever ate in my life.  It warmed me inside and out. Ever since, Greek School and those stuffed tomatoes have been linked in my mind.  And in my heart?  I see God there in my mom warming me as only a mother can.

Isaiah 41:10

Monday, October 17, 2022.  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve leaned on this verse for comfort, especially in the past year.  I’ve had to have several CT scans in the past few months which for me is like torture because I’m claustrophobic.  Yes, they say it’s fairly open nowadays, except to me, it’s not. It’s so close; it’s right in your face, and you’re supposed to stay perfectly still which somehow makes it worse, and did I mention that it’s right in your face?  I tell myself I could scoot out if I really had to, but that doesn’t seem to help.  So I try to put my mind elsewhere by praying and repeating Bible passages over and over, mainly, “Do not fear, for I am with you.”  Knowing God is right there with me gets me through it.  I put all of my concentration onto Him and everything going on around me falls away.  I forget that I’m in a tube that makes me feel trapped.  I forget that they’re testing to see what crazy thing is going on in my body.  I forget that it’s right in my face.  I forget to be scared - “do not fear”, to feel weak - “I will strengthen you”, to feel alone in that cold, empty tube - “I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.  Yes, this verse has everything when I need comfort.  Thank you, Jesus.

Little Gifts

Sunday, October 16, 2022.  I get sensory overload these days from the ME/CFS.  I have to look away from anything that’s fast-moving or flickering which means a lot of stuff on television, but even when I’m in the car I have to look ahead of me because looking out the side window can be too much.  I also have a problem with sounds so I can only take so much conversation before I need quiet to rest my head.  One of the main things I miss is music.  I can listen a little if it’s the only thing playing, but I can’t tolerate it for very long while I’m doing something else.  I used to listen while I cooked, cleaned, etc., but of course I can’t do much of that anymore anyway.  One pleasant sound I do get to enjoy these days is my chimes.  I have a capiz shell wind chime that used to hang outside.  It started falling apart, but we love it so much we didn’t want to get rid of it.  So I had Jeff bring it inside and hang it near the register in our ceiling.  Now whenever the air condition or heat comes on, I get to hear its lovely tinkling sound.  It’s just enough to make me happy, but it doesn’t last long enough to bother me.  Just little snippets of “music” throughout my day.  Little gifts from God.    

Caviar

Saturday, October 15, 2022.  We took a couple of trips to Greece when my sister and I were kids, and we were lucky enough to travel on one of those huge transatlantic ships.  It was quite the experience.  There was a steward who went around with what I think was a xylophone -type thing and played a tone when it was time for meals. I can’t remember a lot about the food, but I do remember caviar!  My mom probably told us it was caviar, but when we questioned her further, I can guarantee she didn’t tell us it was fish eggs.  I remember it being black so I’m sure it took some convincing to get us to taste it.  I can’t say I remember exactly what it tasted like, but I do remember the texture.  The little pops in my mouth were so much fun!  And I know I must have liked the taste because I wanted more.  It was years into my adulthood before I realized that I had eaten caviar, and I doubt I could get myself to try it now.  I mean, come on, it’s fish eggs! Haha!  But you know, if my mom was still here, she could probably coax me into it.  I miss her.  Such an incredible, vibrant woman she was in those days.  And what fortunate children we were.  Sailing the Atlantic, eating caviar… And having such loving parents which is worth all the caviar in the world.  Thank you, Jesus.