The Good Doctor

Friday, October 14, 2022. One of the reasons Jeff and I moved to this area from the Outer Banks was for the great medical care all around the Triangle.  When I needed a primary care doctor, I asked a few neighbors for recommendations, but their doctors weren’t taking any more patients.  So I did what we always do nowadays, I Googled it.  I found a practice with UNC that sounded good and read reviews of some of their doctors.  Some of the doctors included a short bio and one in particular stood out, but she had no reviews.  Still I called the office to make an appointment only to be told that the first few doctors weren’t taking patients.  They started reading off a list of available doctors and I thought I recognized a name so I said I’d go with that one.  I wasn’t really sure who it was but I had to start somewhere.  Turns out I remembered the name because she was the one who wrote such a nice bio.  My first meeting with her was very memorable because I was in the beginning of my struggles with ME/CFS and for some reason thought I could manage walking up six flights to her office.  (I could have easily done that before this illness.)  I hate elevators because of my claustrophobia plus we were in the middle of Covid, but it was definitely a mistake to take the stairs.  Within a few minutes of sitting down, I couldn’t move.  I was alone in the office waiting for her and kept hoping it would be better by the time she got there, but it wasn’t.  All I could do was raise a finger indicating I needed a minute.  She was patient, kind, and listened to me intently when I could finally speak.  I saw her several times after that before I found out she was still a resident and was hoping to get a permanent position nearby.  I was hoping that, too, because I thought very highly of her by then.  (She got the position, by the way.)  She ran through every test possible for me and stayed in close communication which is such a rare thing these days.  And by communication, I mean she actually picks up the phone and calls me herself.  It was never more important to me than this last week when I was waiting for the results of the bronchoscopy.  I kept seeing results coming in but they were so full of medical jargon I couldn’t really understand them.  She called me yesterday afternoon because she was worried no one had contacted me about the results so far, and she was right.  Even though all the tests aren’t back, she explained that it’s looking very likely that what I have is some type of infection, and there is no indication of cancer so far.  She’s pretty confident from what she’s seen that there won’t be.  I was so happy to hear that, but I was incredibly touched that she took the time to call.  It’s the pulmonologist who will ultimately give me the final results since he’s the one who ordered the test so it wasn’t really her responsibility to call me, but she did it because she cares.  Finding a doctor who cares, who goes out of their way to communicate with you; it’s so hard to find and it’s worth everything.  You know where I found God yesterday? In a good doctor who’s worth her weight in gold.  

Crocheting Again

Wednesday, October 12, 2022.  I started my crochet design business about four years ago, and it was growing steadily up until the summer of 2021 when this illness hit me.  I managed to finish a couple of small pieces last fall but wasn’t able to get them ready to go until this past summer.  Then it took me another few months to even get one of those posted. It’s quite a process.  Crocheting is the fun part; the rest, not so much.  Writing up the pattern, taking photographs, getting it posted everywhere… it takes a lot of time and effort.  Plus, I’ve struggled with the energy to even keep my hands moving for the actual crochet work.  So I had pretty much decided that I was done.  Then a few days ago, my contact at Lion Brand Yarn got in touch asking if I had anything new.  That was all it took to spark the desire in me to create something.  I started looking at yarn and came up with an idea.  Next step was doing a yarn request.  I was doing okay until they needed to know a completion date.  It’s so hard to schedule anything these days because I never know how I’ll be from one day to the next.  I asked for December or January saying that I would do my best to finish by December.  I was wondering if they would need to scrap the whole thing, when Mark (my contact) got back to me saying “there’s no need to rush creativity, January is fine”. I was so relieved, and so touched. They’ve always been really great to work with so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, but they are running a business so I kind of was.  We live in a world where the dollar rules in so many ways.  It’s so encouraging to find the opposite.  Kindness, empathy, consideration… it’s all out there, even in the business world.  And I find God in that.  

Dad And The Donkey

Tuesday, October 11, 2022.  My dad has had an incredible life.  He was born in Greece, lived through the war, was kidnapped by Germans, came to America and became a citizen… so many stories to tell.  But the one I’m focusing on today is from a trip to Greece when I was maybe eleven years old.  We were staying in his home village of Karitsa way up in the mountains, and everyone decided they wanted to take a day trip to Monevasia - even farther into the mountains.  By day trip, they meant riding on horses and donkeys up a long winding trail and roasting a lamb on a spit when we got there.  I don’t know how long the trip was - maybe a few hours - but I was riding a donkey and my dad was holding its lead.  I remember it was a pretty narrow, rocky trail with a big drop to my left.  There were several people in front of us, and I watched as they approached a rock in the trail that had a cleft in it.  Each one of their horses stepped nimbly over it.  I somehow knew my donkey would step into it, but I kept hoping I was wrong.  I wasn’t.  He stepped right into that cleft and lost his balance, and just like that me and the donkey were sliding down the mountain.  The donkey was scrabbling for purchase and I was hanging on for dear life, but we never would have made it if not for my dad.  He drew on strength that could only have come from God and pulled both me and that clumsy animal back up onto the trail.  It scared the life out of me, and I refused to get back on any animal for the rest of the trip.  I walked hours, but I would have walked days if I had to.  It was an amazing place when we finally got there - a spring trickled freezing cold water straight out of the mountain, the trees at the very top bent sideways from the constant wind, and the dappled shade of the clearing where we had our feast in the forest was a beautiful natural shelter.  But all of that is a small aside to the incredible feat my dad performed that day.  He’s a humble man, and he never mentioned the incident unless I brought it up - probably even forgot about it.  But I never did.  It stands out in my memory with a bright light shining on it.  I know he saved my life.  And I know God was right there with him.  

Coffee With Jesus

Tuesday, October 11, 2022.  I’ve always been a tea drinker.  I liked the taste of coffee, I just always preferred tea.  I drink my first cup of tea in the morning while I catch up on email, go through my to-do list, scroll social media, etc.  But in an effort to get a little more energy, I started having a cup of coffee after my tea.  By this point, I’m done with screen time for a while and usually dealing with some sensory overload and a woozy head.  So I just rest my head on my chair and sip my coffee.  The house is quiet; I’m looking out into our courtyard watching the sky lighten and the birds and chipmunks start their day.  And in the peace of these moments, I started talking to Jesus.  It wasn’t a conscious thing at first, but now it is and I treasure it.  This illness has taken a lot from me, but it’s also given.  It’s given me time to get closer to my Savior, to increase my faith, to look for joy in the tiniest things, and for that I’m so grateful.  Coffee with Jesus - what a blessing.  

The Wheelchair

 Monday, October 10, 2022.  I never, never, never in a million years thought I would be a person in a wheelchair.  But when this disease sapped all of my energy, I didn’t have any choice if I still wanted to get out in the world.  And I can’t even roll myself around; I need Jeff to push me.  Most of the time, I can manage with just my walker.  Again, never thought I’d need a walker.  I used a cane for a while (another thing I never thought I’d need), but things kept getting worse.  My favorite thing to do is to take a walk outdoors and enjoy the fresh air, trees, sunshine, little birds and animals… just all of nature.  When I couldn’t get through a walk without collapsing when I got home, I started using a cane.  Then came the walker/rollator.  I was so self-conscious when I first started using it.  I didn’t want anyone to see me.  Now it’s just normal to me.  But the wheelchair isn’t.  I only use it when I’m really bad and need a dose of nature.  Even then, I feel embarrassed for some reason.  Isn’t that silly?  Part of it is that I’m physically able to walk, and I feel like if someone sees me get up from the chair and walk in the house, I’ll look like an imposter.  Again, really stupid way to feel, but there it is. The wheelchair sits just inside my front door and every time I look at it, it makes me cringe.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, I was feeling so awful.  Along with the pain in my chest from the bronchoscopy, I was enduring all-over body aches from the ME/CFS which I know were a result of the whole hospital experience.  It was a beautiful day.  Sunshine, cool temperatures, and I wanted so badly to take a walk, but there was no way.  Suddenly, that wheelchair was my friend.  I was actually excited to use it, and what a blessing it was to be able to be outside on that glorious day.  And what a blessing to have my hero of a husband who is always willing to push me wherever I want to go.  God knows what we need more than we do, and I absolutely found Him in that wheelchair yesterday.  

Validation

Sunday, October 9, 2022.  I have what is now termed Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, usually shortened to ME/CFS.  It used to be known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but they’ve learned a lot since then and that term seems to imply that the only symptom is being tired.  We all get tired, I know.  But this is a whole other level.  At my worst times, I literally can’t move.  Not even raise a hand.  And mine isn’t as bad as a lot of people.  I’m mostly housebound, but many are bed-bound.  I also get woozy/dizzy, brain fog, almost constant headaches, various pains throughout my body that come and go, almost constant sore throat, flu-like aches, and a myriad of other symptoms that are too long to go into.  I’m sharing this because it’s leading up to where I found God in the past two crazy days.  I went in for the bronchoscopy on Friday.  I had to be there at 12:30 p.m. and was told not to eat anything from midnight the night before, and nothing but clear liquids until 10:30 a.m.  I thought that wasn’t too bad, and I was right.  I managed it fine.  We got checked in to the hospital and sat down to wait for them to call me.  We ended up waiting four hours.  Jeff called to check on things a few times, and a very kind nurse named Wendy did her best to keep us updated.  But still, four more hours was a lot longer with no food or even water.  When they finally called me back to get prepped, it went fairly quickly, and the surgery went fine until I started waking up from the anesthesia.  I felt a little tired, but my mind was clear.  Then my hands started to shake uncontrollably.  I’m talking violently waving back and forth like I was having a seizure.  But I wasn’t.  It was surreal.  I kept thinking, “Just stop”, but I couldn’t.  Then they said my heart rate spiked though I couldn’t tell that myself.  The shaking would stop for a second then start again.  This went on for maybe five minutes or so, but it felt longer.  They brought in a neurologist to be sure I wasn’t having an actual seizure, and they confirmed I wasn’t.  It finally stopped, but they made the decision to keep me overnight in the hospital for observation.  I cried a little when they told me.  I just wanted so badly to go home.  Instead, I got to spend the night in a windowless room with just a curtain for a door listening to the man across the hall snore for all he was worth.  That along with the nurses checking in throughout the night (and taking blood at 3:30 in the morning for some reason) added up to almost no sleep at all for me.  On top of that, I was going on almost no food.  Luckily, I had brought a gluten free bar for my drive home so I ate that, but even though the nurses tried, the cafeteria didn’t get any food brought up to me till 11:00 p.m.  And that was a turkey sandwich that I had to take the bread off of.  Whatever, I was exhausted and thought I’d just go to sleep… until the snoring man.  The nurse brought me ear plugs, and I turned up the rain sounds on my phone, but it still couldn’t completely block it out.  I managed 10 - 15 minutes here and there.  The next morning I ordered breakfast through my phone which the menu they gave me said was an option.  I was supposed to get a confirmation but never did.  But I did it all correctly so I figured it was just taking a while.  Nope.  I called the cafeteria a few times and finally got through after hearing “we are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume” (aren’t they always?) for several minutes, and they said they never got my order but would send something up shortly.  I got my food 45 minutes after that, two and a half hours after my original order.  The whole experience was pretty miserable. 

The doctors in the surgery and the doctor that discharged me all said they had never seen the shaking thing happen before but that it was probably related to the anesthesia.  Then two neurologists came in right before the nurse was about to bring my discharge papers in.  One younger and one slightly older.  The older one was obviously the senior doctor but he also had some type of palsy that would cause him to shake uncontrollably from time to time.  They asked me a lot of questions, and the younger one did a brief exam.  I told them about the ME/CFS, and that I wondered if it hadn’t contributed.  I actually felt a little silly mentioning it and even just called it chronic fatigue because most doctors don’t know much about it.  Imagine my surprise when the older doctor said that he thought Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (yes, he actually used the correct term) combined with the anesthesia could cause that type of reaction.  He actually knew the disease and its symptoms.  I was blown away because no doctor I’ve ever met has any experience with it and very little knowledge of it.  I felt so validated.  So when I felt the urge to write about the past couple of days, I thought where on earth could I find God in what was a really awful experience from beginning to end.  And He put that doctor in the front of my mind.  The doctor who if anyone saw him not knowing he was a doctor would never think that he was one.  I saw him shaking, and then getting it under control and explaining his thoughts to me.  And I remembered again the validation I felt, and how it put a whole different spin on the entire experience. That’s where I found God.  Thank you, Jesus. 

Annoying Little Things

Thursday, October 6, 2022.  Even though I spend pretty much every day of my life at home, I still have a lot to deal with at times.  I still have my crochet design business which mostly runs itself, but things come up from time to time that need to be dealt with.  Yesterday, I received a one star rating from a customer on Etsy who said she couldn’t rate my pattern because she wasn’t able to download it.  Etsy has a Star Seller program in which you get a badge on your site for good customer service, etc.  It’s mostly based on ratings from customers, and since my business is pretty small, each rating weighs heavily.  That one star rating would have ruined my Star Seller status.  So I contacted Etsy and found out that I could report the review.  It wasn’t as easy as it sounds.  It was a long time waiting to chat, and then back and forth with the representative… you know how it is.  I finally got the information I needed, reported the review, and hoped something would be done before it affected my rating for the month.  Imagine my surprise when I got an email within a few hours informing me the review had been removed!  Yay! 

I also had to get a Covid test yesterday in preparation for my biopsy tomorrow.  Not a huge deal even though they stick a Qtip so far up your nose it feels like it’s going into your brain! But unfortunately for me, they sent me to the wrong location.  When I got to the building (which was about twenty minutes from home) they said they didn’t do Covid tests there.  Someone in the office overheard and gave me directions on where to go.  It was super noisy and I had a hard time hearing her, but I thought I had it.  I drove about a half mile away to where I thought she told me to go but all I saw was a Walgreen’s.  I figured it was worth a shot so I went in and asked just to be told that no, they didn’t do Covid tests there.  Really?  This would have annoyed me at any time in my life, but these days I have very limited energy.  So rather than run around looking for the mystery Covid testing center, I decided to go to the urgent care center about 7 minutes from my house.  I got there and was registered, tested, and back in my car in less than five minutes.  

So where did I find God in these little annoying things?  I didn’t actually.  I found Him in the quick resolutions afterwards.  God works all things for the good, even the pesky little problems in my everyday life.