Wednesday, October 5, 2022. On top of the illness I’ve had for over a year now, my doctor discovered a small nodule in my lung. Over the course of the past few months, that nodule has grown to a mass. My first thought would be cancer, but apparently when it grows this rapidly, it’s more unlikely to be that. At least that’s what the experts say. It doesn’t fully take away the fear though. When I first found out about it, and before I had seen the pulmonary specialist who told me cancer was not at the top of his list of what this could be, I contacted my family and several of my friends asking for prayers. They all responded in ways that made me feel so loved and cared for. But my neighbor and friend, Sue, said something that has really stuck with me. She said “God’s waiting room is the best place to be.” It took me a minute to really understand her meaning. When you’re waiting for something, especially something stressful, you pray more. Praying more brings you closer to God. So I started picturing sitting in a waiting room with Jesus beside me. I can’t tell you what comfort that brings. I finally get my biopsy this Friday and hopefully will know soon after exactly what this is. But in the meantime, I’ve found Jesus beside me in this waiting room. Sue was right. It’s the best place to be.
Saturday, October 8, 2022
Friday, October 7, 2022
The Wallet
Tuesday, October 4, 2022. I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I think a lot of people my age feel the same way. I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s and often feel nostalgic for those days when people weren’t so reliant on a screen to function in daily life. Nowadays, I do all of my banking and shopping online. It’s a good thing, too, especially with my illness. It was an especially good thing for Jeff a couple of days ago. He was a few hours into his trip to Maryland when he realized he didn’t have his wallet. I finally found it in my car but that wasn’t helping him buy gas when his tank was almost empty. Then I remembered that you can use your credit card through your phone even though neither of us had ever done that. So I read off his information to him, he entered it into his phone, and voila! He was able to pay for his gas. Back in the old days that I romanticize he would have had no choice but to drive back home, so even though the good old days are still good, these days are good, too. And I find God in both.
Thursday, October 6, 2022
God’s Plan
Monday, October 3, 2022. I really didn’t think I’d be writing my thoughts about God again, but when this illness laid me low in the summer of 2021, I started floundering about for a purpose. As usual, I prayed, and what came to me was to repost my old blog that I had written so long ago. I finished those a few days ago, and again wondered what was next. For now, this seems to be God’s plan for me. I don’t know how often I’ll write or for how long. But I’ve learned to trust Him and go where He leads me. I write these mainly for myself as a type of journal, and sometimes it’s scary to put myself out there for anyone to come along and read my private thoughts. But I believe this is what God wants me to do for now, so maybe there’s someone out there that will be helped or encouraged by my words. Maybe I can help lead someone to Him which is what we’re meant to do anyway. And honestly, I’m kind of excited by the prospect of reaching deeper inside myself again to see where I find God in my life. So today, I found God in His wise and wonderful plan tailor-made just for me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2022
My Sister
Friday, September 30, 2022. My sister has been “mine” since the day she was born. I wrote about how I named her. She was going to be Rita no matter what. But I’ve also always been almost a second mother to her like a lot of big sisters are. I remember when we were very young - she was still a toddler and so I must have been around six years old - my mom had to have some kind of surgery. When she got home, Rita went running to her to jump in her lap, and Mom yelled “No!”, because she had to be careful of her stitches. Well that scared Rita so much, that she wouldn’t go to her for quite a while. I had to take care of everything for her - including taking her to the potty. She wouldn’t let anyone else help her. I was a child myself but I considered it my job to take care of her. Not that I was always so noble! Haha! She used to follow me everywhere. I couldn’t play with my friends without her tagging along and it used to make me crazy. I made it my mission to get her own friends for her. But still, so often it was just us, and it was good. One of our favorite memories of our childhood was when we went to Greece when we were seven and eleven. This was at the height of the Dr. Scholl’s sandals popularity and of course, we wore our Dr. Scholl’s everywhere. We were walking down the wide sidewalks in Sparta, and would yell “Haki baki ha!” (from the Flintstones, our favorite cartoon), and fling our sandals a good twenty feet in front of us then chase after them. For some reason, we thought it was hilarious!
As we grew into our teens, we used to have battles on my bed. She was always trying to kiss my cheeks. She loved my cheeks for some reason. So we’d get to wrestling with her trying to get to me and me trying to get away. One time I started sliding off the bed and was yelling for her to stop but she was relentless! I ended dropping to the floor headfirst! Again, we both ended up cracking up.
Then there were the great mosquito hunts. We both would get bit, but hers were always worse. She’d come in my room with a giant welt somewhere and we’d search till we found the little bugger. I don’t know how we did it, but we did.
It wasn’t always sisterly bliss. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we love each other so we always come back to being best friends. I’ll never forget the time we were ending a phone call - this was sometime in our twenties, I think - and she said she wanted us to start saying “I love you” before we said goodbye. We always did that with our parents but had never done it with each other. It really touched me because at that point in my mind she seemed so independent of me. We never ended another phone call without saying it.
We’ve been living a few hours apart for the past few years. It’s the first time in our lives that we couldn’t get together whenever we wanted. But she’s still always there for me - just a phone call away. Many times I’ve called when this illness was getting the better of me and she would cry with me and talk to me till I got my grip again.
There are so many more memories. I could write pages and pages. God knew I needed a sister, and He knew she would need me. I found God in my baby sister before she was even born, and He’s been there in the love we’ve had for each other every day since.
Tuesday, October 4, 2022
Joy
Wednesday, July 6, 2022. It’s been a really rough several days. I don’t think it’s been this bad for this long since this disease started. My world gets smaller and smaller, and it was becoming harder and harder to find joy. Then Morgan posted a video of Sofia running around in a circle in a shoe store of all places yelling “Woo, woohoo, yay, I’m racing, I’m racing!” Hahaha!! And I realized it doesn’t have to take much to bring joy. The small moments I get each day are a gift from God, and they are enough. Watching the birds at the feeder and in the birdbath, looking at the garden in my courtyard, Jeff making jokes, phone calls and texts from my babies, and of course, everything Sofia … so much joy in my life. What more could I possibly ask for? Thank you, Jesus.
Monday, October 3, 2022
Comfort
Tuesday, June 21, 2022. I’ve been dealing with a chronic illness since last summer, and I broke down this morning. I haven’t been sleeping well. Not awful, but not great. So I was tired right from the start though I’ve had much worse mornings. So I did my morning devotionals, had a cup of tea, and was drinking my cup of coffee when I started feeling the fatigue really pressing down. Usually, by the time I’m on my cup of coffee, I’m starting to wear out, and today was no different. I sit in a wing chair in the morning and look out onto our courtyard. Most mornings, I just rest my head on the chair and read, but lately, I’ve been praying. Today, it went something like this - “This is not what I expected of my life, Lord. I read my Bible but there are so many interpretations so I don’t know if You let this happen, if You make it happen, if it’s the devil’s work, or if it’s just chance, but I do know You work all things for the good. (Here the tears started to fall.) I tried to take care of this body You gave me. I ate right, exercised, and planned to do so into my old age. I saw myself aging as a vibrant, healthy woman. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Help me, Father, help me, help me, please. I know You’re with me always, and I know You’ll get me through this. Help me.” Tears were running down my face, and I was starting to sob. Then I felt Him hold me. And the tears slowed and then stopped. It’s not imagination when this happens though it’s easy to write it off as such. God hears us. God heard me. And He comforted me. Today, I found Him as He held me and dried my tears.