My Sister

Friday, September 30, 2022. My sister has been “mine” since the day she was born.  I wrote about how I named her.  She was going to be Rita no matter what.  But I’ve also always been almost a second mother to her like a lot of big sisters are.  I remember when we were very young - she was still a toddler and so I must have been around six years old - my mom had to have some kind of surgery.  When she got home, Rita went running to her to jump in her lap, and Mom yelled “No!”, because she had to be careful of her stitches.  Well that scared Rita so much, that she wouldn’t go to her for quite a while.  I had to take care of everything for her - including taking her to the potty.  She wouldn’t let anyone else help her.  I was a child myself but I considered it my job to take care of her.  Not that I was always so noble! Haha!  She used to follow me everywhere.  I couldn’t play with my friends without her tagging along and it used to make me crazy.  I made it my mission to get her own friends for her. But still, so often it was just us, and it was good. One of our favorite memories of our childhood was when we went to Greece when we were seven and eleven.  This was at the height of the Dr. Scholl’s sandals popularity and of course, we wore our Dr. Scholl’s everywhere.  We were walking down the wide sidewalks in Sparta, and would yell “Haki baki ha!” (from the Flintstones, our favorite cartoon), and fling our sandals a good twenty feet in front of us then chase after them.  For some reason, we thought it was hilarious!  

As we grew into our teens, we used to have battles on my bed.  She was always trying to kiss my cheeks.  She loved my cheeks for some reason.  So we’d get to wrestling with her trying to get to me and me trying to get away.  One time I started sliding off the bed and was yelling for her to stop but she was relentless!  I ended dropping to the floor headfirst!  Again, we both ended up cracking up.  

Then there were the great mosquito hunts.  We both would get bit, but hers were always worse.  She’d come in my room with a giant welt somewhere and we’d search till we found the little bugger.  I don’t know how we did it, but we did. 

It wasn’t always sisterly bliss.  We’ve had our ups and downs, but we love each other so we always come back to being best friends.  I’ll never forget the time we were ending a phone call - this was sometime in our twenties, I think - and she said she wanted us to start saying “I love you” before we said goodbye.  We always did that with our parents but had never done it with each other.  It really touched me because at that point in my mind she seemed so independent of me.  We never ended another phone call without saying it.

We’ve been living a few hours apart for the past few years. It’s the first time in our lives that we couldn’t get together whenever we wanted. But she’s still always there for me - just a phone call away. Many times I’ve called when this illness was getting the better of me and she would cry with me and talk to me till I got my grip again. 

There are so many more memories.  I could write pages and pages.  God knew I needed a sister, and He knew she would need me.  I found God in my baby sister before she was even born, and He’s been there in the love we’ve had for each other every day since.

Joy

 Wednesday, July 6, 2022. It’s been a really rough several days.  I don’t think it’s been this bad for this long since this disease started.  My world gets smaller and smaller, and it was becoming harder and harder to find joy.  Then Morgan posted a video of Sofia running around in a circle in a shoe store of all places yelling “Woo,  woohoo, yay, I’m racing, I’m racing!” Hahaha!! And I realized it doesn’t have to take much to bring joy.  The small moments I get each day are a gift from God, and they are enough.  Watching the birds at the feeder and in the birdbath, looking at the garden in my courtyard, Jeff making jokes, phone calls and texts from my babies, and of course, everything Sofia … so much joy in my life.  What more could I possibly ask for?  Thank you, Jesus. 

Comfort

Tuesday, June 21, 2022. I’ve been dealing with a chronic illness since last summer, and I broke down this morning.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  Not awful, but not great.  So I was tired right from the start though I’ve had much worse mornings.  So I did my morning devotionals, had a cup of tea, and was drinking my cup of coffee when I started feeling the fatigue really pressing down.  Usually, by the time I’m on my cup of coffee, I’m starting to wear out, and today was no different.  I sit in a wing chair in the morning and look out onto our courtyard.  Most mornings, I just rest my head on the chair and read, but lately, I’ve been praying.  Today, it went something like this - “This is not what I expected of my life, Lord. I read my Bible but there are so many interpretations so I don’t know if You let this happen, if You make it happen, if it’s the devil’s work, or if it’s just chance, but I do know You work all things for the good. (Here the tears started to fall.) I tried to take care of this body You gave me.  I ate right, exercised, and planned to do so into my old age.  I saw myself aging as a vibrant, healthy woman.  It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.  Help me, Father, help me, help me, please.  I know You’re with me always, and I know You’ll get me through this.  Help me.” Tears were running down my face, and I was starting to sob.  Then I felt Him hold me.  And the tears slowed and then stopped.  It’s not imagination when this happens though it’s easy to write it off as such.  God hears us.  God heard me.  And He comforted me.  Today, I found Him as He held me and dried my tears.

Perfect Morning

I don't post much anymore, but I had to write about this glorious morning.  I took an early morning walk for the first time in a long time.  (I walk in the afternoons through the winter because it's usually too dark when I wake up.) God was everywhere - in the perfect 68 degree temperature, in the light breeze caressing my skin, in the warm sunshine which seemed to imbue everything with it's own inner glow...  The birds were feeling it, too, singing their little hearts out.  I ate it all up like I was enjoying an especially delicious meal, savoring each bite and feeling so contented when the meal - and the walk - was over.  Today, I found God in His gift of an incredibly perfect morning.

God in me

I haven't written here in well over a year.  It's crazy because this blog was a huge part of my life during the year that I was writing.  The spiritual exercise of sitting down each day and focusing on my "God moments" helped me to feel His presence in a very tangible way.  From time to time, I thought it was about the writing.  I've long held onto the fantasy of becoming a writer.  But I realize it's just not me.  I also realize it was never about the writing.  I decided today to save this blog onto my hard drive because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be posting anymore.  But as I read over some of my posts, they touched me deeply - to the point of tears in some cases.  I started thinking, it's a shame that I'm not still writing this blog because it brought me so close to God.  And that's just it - it brought me so close to God.  I'm still there in that place I found when I was actively searching for Him each day.  He's become a regular part of my everyday life in a way that I had always strived for but never achieved until I did this exercise.  When I stopped writing here regularly, I thought many times "What was the point?", "What purpose did this serve?"  Now I know.  But it took this time and distance to see it clearly.  Feeling God with me - in me - all the time started right here.  It's become such a natural part of me that I can't really remember what I was like before.  This blog changed me, and reading back through these posts, I finally grasped what had always been just out of reach.  The connection I made is not broken - it never will be.  Today, I found God here.  And I found Him when I woke up, and when I opened the blinds, and when I sat down to work... I found Him everywhere.  I found Him in me.

The Moon Moments

The first thing I saw when I walked out the door for my morning walk was a bright moon with an almost golden aura around it.  It was beautiful.  A little farther along, the sun started to rise.  And oh, what a sunrise.  Big, bold strokes of color - bright orange and yellow, deep pink and purple, vibrant blue... it was awesome!!  I looked back over at the moon.  The aura was still there, and there were also subtle, pastel purple stripes around it - broad and soft at the edges.  Such a difference between the two.  It made me think about how I've found God in my life lately.
Morgan had a major turning point in his career this week.  He's been working very hard for it, but the timing was a big surprise.  Definitely a huge blessing and an obvious God moment - big and bold like the sunrise this morning.  But I kept thinking about the moon.  And I thought through the past few days and realized another small place I had found God.  I was in the doctor's office - the last place I wanted to be in this hectic week - and a few of the nurses were wearing Santa hats.  I was stressed and rushed, and those Santa hats made me stop and smile.  I'm smiling now as I think about it.  I realized the thing I miss most about writing this blog was how it made me stop and find those small moments - the "moon" moments.  Don't get me wrong, I love the big stuff.  The grand sunrises that take your breath away, the sudden unexpected miracles in our lives that just can't be missed or mistaken for anything other than God's grace.  But I need to go back to that daily exercise of finding God in the routine.  In the everyday humdrum life that really makes up the bulk of most of our lives.  Whether I write about it or not, I'm going to strive to look for it daily again.  So where did I find God today?  In the subtle beauty of the golden aura around the moon, or that gorgeous, amazing sunrise?  Tough choice, but I think for today, I'm going for the moon.

The Laundry Chute

When I was born, we lived in an apartment on Linden Avenue in Arbutus, Maryland, but shortly after that we moved to a row home on Council Street, also in Arbutus.  (At that time, they were row homes, now they're called townhomes which I guess sounds more respectable, but either way, they were houses in a row!)  We moved again when I was about 4 1/2, so most of my memories of that house come from pictures, but there are a few things that stand out as true memories.  One was the laundry chute.  I remember being fascinated with it!  It was a three-story house, and you could drop things in the laundry chute from the top floor, and it ended up in the basement where the washer was.  To my young mind, there were few things more exciting than that!  One time I remember standing in the hallway and looking towards the bedroom at the front of the house.  The sunlight was pouring in and filtering through to the slightly darkened hallway.  I wanted so badly to find something to drop in there!  I can't remember if I did on that occasion, but I have a recollection of doing it at some point and racing down the stairs to watch it come out at the bottom.  Of course, I never made it, but I don't think it stopped me from trying.  The laundry chute... what a fun memory!

The other thing I truly remember is standing at the gate of the big field next to our house and wanting to follow my brother, Wayne.  He and my brother, Bentley, were much older than me (13 years, and 11 years respectively), and I idolized him.  I loved both of my brothers, but Wayne always paid special attention to me as a child.  Our house was at the end of the row and right next to the fields that were part of the junior high school.  They would walk to school and games and such, and I remember one time in particular wanting so badly to follow Wayne.  There was a big bar-type gate that was really just meant to keep cars out, but I knew I wasn't allowed to cross it.  I can see the grass and the sky and emptiness before me - no Wayne.  So I must have stood there until he was out of sight.  I clearly remember the longing.

There were other fun things about that house and neighborhood.  There was the strawberry man who walked the street calling out, "Strawbears!!" ( He never added the "ry" for some reason.)  And getting our picture taken on a pony, also from a man who walked the streets drumming up business.  Do you remember that stuff from your childhood?  Those kinds of things are long gone.  But the laundry chute and wanting to follow my brother are the memories that planted themselves in my young mind.  It's funny because most of my memories of that house are in black and white due to the photographs we have.  But I remember the yellow sunlight of the bedroom next to the laundry chute, and the green grass and blue sky as I watched my brother.  It's amazing what God has done for us.  He gave us colors that can provide so vivid a recollection that you can actually experience the feeling all over again.  His wonders never cease, and I find Him not only in my daily life in the present, but I see Him there in all my memories.